Say “Yes” to Sex!

I have been seeing a lot of posts lately in many of my mom groups of different women posting that their husband is upset because she doesn’t want to have sex with him.  It is a recurring post that is almost word for word the same: I'm dealing with kids all day, I am exhausted and touched out and I have no sex drive.  

These posts don’t surprise me.  I mean we’ve all been there.  My son is autistic, which comes with always needing to be “on” and he literally didn’t sleep until he was 5 ½ years old, not even naps.  I collectively breast fed my children for over 6 years and at times (most of the time) just wanted my body to myself. I understand that being intimate is at the bottom of the list when you are a mom to little ones.  

What I don’t understand is the comments that I read below these posts.  

Women saying that the husband is a jerk for getting upset. That he should just go take care of himself and how dare him think of his needs over yours.   

They demonize the husband into this insensitive asshole who just wants a piece of ass.  

Maybe sex is the way your husband shows you love.  Maybe it’s his way of connecting with you.  Maybe it is the way your husband feels wanted and loved.  It may not have anything to do with the actual act of sex. This may be his love language and the only way he feels truly loved. 

Think about the way you feel love from your husband.  Maybe it is through words and validation.  So what if everytime you asked him if he loved you, he said “no, or not right now”? 

What if you felt love through hugs and affectionate touches?  You went up to him to hug him and he says “no, I don’t feel like hugging right now”.  “Can’t you just go hug yourself?”

I don’t believe you should drop your pants every single time your husband initiates sex.  There are times when you physically, emotionally, mentally cannot muster up any more of yourself but, those times should be few and far between.  

It may seem like a chore at first but keep reminding yourself that you are showing your husband you love him and are connecting with him.  Believe it or not, after a bit of forcing yourself you will look forward to your time together even when you are tired and rundown.  

You need to continually work on your relationship when your kids are young.  Make sure you don’t just shove your relationship on the back burner and hope that it is still there once you emerge from the tough, draining years.  

To you, it may seem like your husband wants sex only to satisfy his needs, but I believe it’s much deeper than that.  In your now very full lives he wants time to connect with you and feel wanted and loved. 

I am not saying that you should just worry about his feelings and disregard your own.  Yours are valid. I am just saying that this is a step in the right direction to having a healthy relationship.  

Once your husband feels like you aren’t denying him all the time, he will be more invested in the relationship and will be more apt to satisfy your love language, whatever that may be.  

It’s hard to have a loving, connected relationship when you are constantly saying, “no I don’t have time for you.” 

The best relationships come from when you can see through your partner’s eyes and understand their side of the story, not just what you perceive as the truth.  

A little lovin’ can go a long way.