10 Things you can do today to improve your relationship

1. Tell your husband you are grateful for what they provide.  

If they work long hours, tell them you’re grateful for how hard they work to provide money for the family.  If they are the sole caregiver to your kids and house, let them know how grateful you are for handling a household of however many and getting dinner on the table every night.  A little gratitude goes a long way and not only for your spouse to feel uplifted but when you look for things to be grateful for in your partner you will find more feelings of gratitude within yourself towards your husband and your relationship.

2. Send your husband a loving and/or flirty text. 

Remind him that he is loved and that you still want him. After having kids, and with the daily todo list that comes with adulting, sometimes our relationships look more like a business than a romance.  Our day to day mundane tasks lead us to a life of just going through the motions and we forget to express our love and passion. This is a nice reminder to your husband of how much he means to you and ignites your flame.

3. Take one of your husbands “to do's” and do it for him.  

Many times in a marriage you get to a point where you are tallying up all you do in a day and comparing it to your spouse.  I still sometimes fall into the habit of “why should I do one more thing?  I already do everything for everyone!”.  This is just a nice gesture that shows your husband that you aren’t keeping score.  That you see he is doing what he can handle and you want to make his load a little easier to carry without keeping score.

4. Prioritize your own self care.  

Make sure you are filling up your own cup. Exercise, read, get a massage, have a girls night out. Do whatever brings you joy and makes you feel satisfied.  If you are miserable, so will be your relationship.

5. Plan a date night.  

Try and schedule at least one date night a month.  Make reservations at your favorite restaurant, buy concert tickets, plan an overnight in your favorite city and then book a babysitter.  Date nights are more important than you think.  The more the better! 

6. Let’s talk about sex, baby! 

I totally understand not wanting to have sex.  Or at least thinking you don’t want to.  Kids are all over you all day, you are constantly meeting everybody else’s needs and you are completely touched out. Hubby is throwing all the signs at you that he is ready to go, but all you can think is, “Just one more thing I have to do and one more need I have to meet.”  I hear you, I’ve been there many times but..You need to stop this narrative in your head.  Sex is not a chore. Sex is connection, love, and stress relief. Trust me, once you get into it, you will be happy you did! No one has ever said, I wish I didn’t just have that orgasm!

7. Stop doing that thing that annoys your husband.  

I have a habit of leaving seltzer cans around the house;  On counters, night stands, the bathroom sink.  I don’t know what it is about finishing a seltzer but I never seem to make it into the recycling bin.  This drives my husband nuts.  I used to get so mad because the counter could look like a bomb went off and he would pick out my seltzer can among the mess and complain about it.  Spitefully, I used to want to leave them around because I felt like I did so much around the house for him to complain about this insignificant thing. But I reframed that narrative and decided that I would want him to try and change a behavior that I didn’t like and therefore I should try and do the same for him. I now try and make a conscious effort not to leave them lying around. Into the recycling bin they go as soon as I am done.  Well most of the time anyway, unless he’s really ticking me off! 

8.  Think about what you would love if your husband did to you and do it to him.  

Maybe it would be to tell you you’re beautiful, hug you out of nowhere, clean the dishes, let you binge watch the kardashians.  Turn around and do that thing for him.  I mean he may not want to watch the Kardashians but maybe he’d love to sit and watch Monday night football.  Take the kids out for ice cream, give your man his favorite drink and snack with a kiss goodbye and the remote in his hand with no expectations in return. He will be so grateful that he will want to start showing up for you like you are showing up for him.  

9. If you are having an argument, try and see it from your husband’s perspective even if you know you are in the right.

 I have a feeling that your husband too believes they are always right.  Before you deal with the issues at hand.  Go release some anger and frustration.  Yell and beat up a pillow.  Go into your car and blast music and scream your head off.  Go to a kickboxing class and kick the shit out of the dummy.  Once you have cooled off.  Then try and discuss it.  Start the conversation with, I can see how you feel this way.  Im sorry if I made you feel like that but I actually meant xyz. That way you are validating their feelings, you are apologizing (even though you know you are right) because regardless they felt a certain way.  Tell them they are your most favorite person in the world and you don’t want to fight but we need to come to some conclusion.  Talk it out without blaming them or trying to prove you’re correct and then have amazing make up sex.  

10. Have fun!  

Try and sneak in fun in everything you do.  Crazy night?  While making dinner put on your favorite music and grab your man and start dancing.  Make sure you are connecting whenever you can.  Your husband is sitting at the dining room table helping kids with homework. Walk over to him, wrap your arms around him and snuggle into his neck, give him a small kiss and off you go.  They don’t have to be huge outpourings of affection. Just little contact throughout the day to keep you connected, having fun and showing your love for one another.